Great moments in sex education, powered by mom

I keep one of these easels around just in case. They're always a handy reference. And no, that's not my mom.

HARLEM — The closest my dad ever came to giving me the birds and bees talk was this one time at the racetrack, when he used a rolled-up program as a visual aid, and told me a few crude jokes about hookers. Still, it’s way closer than my mom ever came to talking about sex.

Despite my parents’ silence, I got the goods in sixth-grade sex education. All the boys in one room, all the girls in the other. There were the booklets, blue for boys, pink for girls. And the booklets contained what looked like blueprints for plumbing, again one set for boys, one set for girls.

The woman teaching the boys class — incidentally she also doubled as the lunch lady — used the word “cum.” Now, I’m no doctor. But even then, I was fairly certain that there was a proper medical term for the phenomenon she was describing, and surely it wasn’t “cum.”

Anyway, I had long given up on the idea about ever getting “the talk” when it happened. At least, I think it happened.

I’m driving one day and my mom’s riding shotgun, when a beautiful girl steps into the crosswalk. As I’m checking her out, I feel a punch on my shoulder.

“Use condom, ha!”

I was 23.

— 30 —

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “Great moments in sex education, powered by mom

  1. I never got the talk either. My dad tried a few times, but it always turned into a “Son, some day girls are going to look different to you” comment from my dad and then five minutes of awkward silence.

    When I was 15 I finally responded with “Yeah, penises, vaginas. Be responsible. Wear condoms. Got it” and dad came back with “Good talk.”

    That was it.

  2. LOL!!! My mom’s talk with me was…..”OK, Darlehn. Neber, eber, eber, eber, eber. OK?”

    • Marc Carig

      And how did that work out?

      For those who don’t know, my dear friend D here just gave birth to a baby boy. Congrats guys!

  3. rufuswashere

    It is human nature for youngsters to cringe at getting “the talk” from our parents. What’s the evolutionary origin of that?

    And by the way, you are a very very funny writer.

    Thanks to BB for getting me here.

  4. Nick

    I know this blog is going to be an awesome one because in less than 3 days there has been an entry about video games and sex. What better things are there in the world?

  5. Hahah, excellent. I never got “the talk” from my Pop. Probably because of his experience with the talk when younger..his father took him to a bar when he was 16 and said, “son..you don’t want to be a working father before you leave high school..your whole life will change and except for a cute little baby, it will be tons of hard work and little pay..so stay away from any of the gals in the pool hall and wait till you get married. Otherwise that one night of fun will lead to a lot of suffering..”

  6. olivia

    haha!!! packing awesome marc

  7. Anonymous

    Hahahahaha!!!!

  8. Pingback: Welcoming an important new acquisition « Marc Carig | Off The Record

  9. I think you’ve made some truly interesting points. Not too many people would actually think about this the way you just did.

    Thanks!

  10. I enjoyed your article. I think I am going to have to subscribe.And great Topic.

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